‘It’s ok…’
Standing next to my kitchen counter, eating chocolate. My kids are playing in the next room with their dad. I don’t feel like joining and sharing this happy moment with them. My gaze is empty and still, kind of in a freeze state. I am eating to numb my uneasiness.
Not an unfamiliar behavior. I’ve done this so many times by now. Yet, this time is different.
This time, I am fully aware both of the behavior, my body posture and also the reasons that are causing me to act the way I do. This is - simply- my coping mechanism when I feel stressed, I affirm to myself. And the reason? The reason is-simply- my choices. This moment is the result of a series of choices I’ve consciously decided to make since the moment I woke up this morning (and probably even from yesterday).
For hours now, my body signals for me to tune in, meditate, relax, take time for myself (only) and spend my time creatively. But instead, I am choosing (repeatedly) to keep myself busy with things ‘to do’ (usually for others). I am -consciously-ignoring my inner signals. On top of that, I had a extra cup of coffee and I skipped one meal today. No wonder that I’m feeling agitated and I’m seeking for the instant relief and pleasure I get from sugar, right? Over the years this behavior has been established as a powerful habit which, occasionally, I still choose to repeat although I am aware it doesn’t serve me anymore.
And as a result of this thought, internal turmoil starts setting in. The part that blames me from repeating this habit is there, I hear it, I feel it: ‘Why do you still choose to eat this?’, ‘What’s wrong with you?’. But lately there is also another voice I am hearing which grows louder and louder. The more compassionate voice. The one that says, ‘It’s ok’,’ You can enjoy this chocolate if that’s what you choose to do right now’, ‘You’ll be ok’. And that is really wonderful to observe. Because this latter voice has immediately a calming and soothing effect in my body. The urge for more chocolate stops almost instantly, and I am also inspired and inclined to act in more creative and productive ways.
Changing a habit -and even more a coping mechanism you carry since childhood- may be simple decision, yet not an easy one. It takes discipline and consistency. It’s a process. In this process it’s equally - if not more- important to embrace also the parts of us that, occasionally, choose the old “bad” behaviors -we’ve decided we want to change-.
In my view, it’s not about always choosing or doing the right thing. It’s about exploring our limits, moving forward in life and becoming more loving with ourself and others! Afterall, this is all that matters, right? Even if we choose to do the wrong thing sometimes! In those cases, let’s just be kind and compassionate with ourself and repeat our new “better” habits in the next chance. It’s ok…we’ll be ok.
