Emotions

Logical or emotional?

Emotions drive our decisions daily. Even the most so called ‘logical’ people experience the influence of emotions in their decision making process.

Yet, we’re definitely not at their mercy. Don’t mean to spoil your convenience but we are not the helpless victims of your emotions. Instead you have power over you! But remember; power goes hand in hand with responsibility (oh oh!)

Often, we describe certain people as ‘logical’ or ‘emotional’. But let’s clarify this, shall we?. What we essentially mean by labeling someone (or ourself) as ‘logical’ is that they simply act according to ‘objective’ reasoning, i.e., in accordance with the rules and standards their environment and circumstances dictate. “I will wear warm clothes because it’s -1 °C” . On the other hand, ‘emotional’ people may act in ways other that what would be expected of them in a given situation or simply because they react based on the way they feel in that moment, irrespective of the actual data.

In essence, although there may be a tendency towards the one or the other, there is no hard core distinction. All of us can be both emotional and logical in various aspects of our lives or even switch between the two in a matter of minutes.

Sensations, emotions, feelings

Emotions are not the same as sensations or feelings. Searching online about the difference it gets you even more confused but I’ll explain here the way I resonate and understand them most from all the various resources (online, books) I’ve looked at.

Sensations are the way our brain gathers information from the outside or inner world. Examples of sensations are physical hunger, physical thirst, physical pain, hot, and cold, etc. The interpretation (narratives) of bodily sensations is what we call feelings. Feelings are the conscious experience of emotions. So we can say “I am feeling anxious, afraid, sad, etc.”

Emotions are the byproduct of our thought process. Emotions are indicators, like green, red or orange lights that signal when to move, run or stay still. Emotions are also linked to (previous) experiences. I recently watched a TED talk by an American professor and psychologist, Lisa Feldman, on how our brain creates our emotions based on pre-constructed concepts and patterns recognition. There cannot be an emotion without a narrative (a story, a thought) linked to it.

In another TED talk (yes, I watch a lot of them… :)) I was surprised to hear a woman from North Korea explaining that the first time she ever felt compassion was after she learned about the concept of compassion, which happened upon her escape from North Korea. Before this she would observe people dying next to her on the streets and she would feel nothing. It was another day as normal. Now she can finally feel compassion and sadness for herself and others.

Story time

When my children misbehave in ways I don’t agree with or I don’t expect - as kids are designed by nature to do- I get triggered and take it personally. Then most often than not I bring out a mixture of my authoritarian and victimized parts of myself and start scolding them and even raise my voice to bring them ‘back to order’ (or better said what I think as order at that moment). For a long time I would not pay attention to this, although as being a calm person by nature I was not feeling comfortable with this dynamic ( I would yell at them and then feel bad about yelling…a viscous circle).

However, this was the model I’ve been taught by my parents, or other adults around me, growing up. Although I had read various parenting books and learned techniques on how to discipline your kids without drama, that didn’t seem to work for me, primarily because it would not address the inner feelings and sensations that fueled my distress and behavior towards my kids. I was frustrated primarily with myself. Until I had the following conversation that hit home for me and helped me recalibrate my emotions by hacking and changing the story I was telling to myself.

- “What does it mean for you when your children misbehave? , my life coach asked me one day. “

- “That they don’t respect me”, I answered -it took me a while-.

- “Is this actually true?” argued my coach. “Afterall, kids are just kids, they do not mean to disrespect you, they probably just want to play or they just behave in ways that don’t match your expectations.” , could that be true?

-“Yes, most likely, it is”, I responded.

The meaning of disrespect that I was giving for my kids’ behavior triggered my explosion towards them. The next time, I tried the following: the moment I felt triggered, I took a short pause and changed the narrative in my head. “ My kids are just kids, They do not behave in this way with the intention to disrespect me or hurt me.” To all my surprise the intense feelings immediately subsided and I was able to ‘bring them back to order’ in a much calmer and respectful way. Afterall kids should also be respected and be treated on equal terms as individual personalities, just like adults.

Since I am conscious of examining my narratives constantly in any situation I may feel intense emotions. Have I shifted and re-wrote my programming and overcome all my triggers completely? No, I have not reached enlightenment yet. But at least, nowadays, I am aware of the actual cause of my trigger and I know what I can do about it. And I do it (most of the time!).

Are you willing to take responsibility for your emotions?

At this point, it’s evident to me through my personal research, coaching and my personal experience that emotions are linked to language, concepts and narratives. And that is wonderful! Because that means we have control over our emotions, simply by changing the story we tell ourselves in that moment! Yet, that requires first of all willingness but also patience and a lot of kindness and compassion towards ourselves. Because it’s simple…but not easy (at least in the beginning). However, from personal experience I can tell you it becomes easier and easier -even automatic- over time.

Consistency is the key. Changing your programming is not happening overnight and it requires patience. But there is no doubt it is possible and can improve your life’s quality immensely. It’s really important to be compassionate with yourself in this process. Blaming yourself helps no-one, instead can create even greater harm.

So I dare you to play a game and experience it for yourself. What is the game? Every time you feel a certain emotion ask yourself: what am I assuming to be true in this moment? What is the narrative in my mind? I bet you’ll have a lot of aha moments and you’ll understand a lot about yourself and the way you think and feel! So, for example, the next time you sense a tension in your stomach, and your heart racing ,while waiting for a new job an interview, instead of saying “I am feeling so stressed and anxious” catch yourself, pause and try saying “I am so excited for this interview! I cannot wait for this to start! “. And then simply observe what happens within…

Live happier ever after…

The true path to freedom is through your emotions. It’s not a matter of avoiding negative feelings but rather questioning them, exploring them, understanding them and integrating them. Because only when you trace back the ‘actual’ story and the actual underlying emotion behind your anger and frustration, for example, you can truly work with it and set yourself free.

See it as a muscle. Again, consistency is the key! By being willing and consistent you can reprogram any narrative, story or belief that result in a certain emotion and experience. The more you train this muscle the ‘stronger’ you’ll become and the less ‘negative’ emotions you will experience in your everyday life. At the end of the day, it’s a choice!